20 inappropriate innuendos on kids’ TV that will ruin your childhood
WARNING: The following piece is for adults only,
who may be about to have their childhoods ruined.
With so much mushy, fluffy, seemingly innocent programming available for those under the age of ten, sometimes it’s easy to forget that kids’ TV is made by adults. Nevertheless, the naughty grownups behind some children’s TV shows clearly want us to know that they’re there, and that they’ve got a keen (albeit very dirty) sense of humour.
So behold these glorious nods in the direction of such topics as bathroom blowjobs, prison sex, and ‘trembling girlhood’, which somehow slipped into pre-watershed programmes intended for children. Special shoutouts to Cartoon Network for always delivering on the hugely inappropriate humour we were raised on!
Ah, that awkward moment when you get caught watching sea urchin porn by your flatmate… Based on all the dirty jokes in this show, it seems that SpongeBob SquarePants does have something alive and kicking in those square pants of his, after all.
I mean, what’s really ‘up’ with his relationship with Patrick?
He was also pretty happy to see Mr Krabs that one time; and that’s a crab living in Bikini Bottom, in case you hadn’t noticed.
SpongeBob’s not the only yellow creature in the universe of kids’ TV to get caught with his pants down, though. The innuendo of Gumball‘s Banana Joe watching this orange being split in two from his darkened room could not be more blatant.
But that’s not as bad as the 12-year-old Gumball unwillingly blowing someone in a bathroom stall at school…
When it comes to bathroom sex references, this one’s just downright unbelievable. When a wormhole (read: glory hole) inexplicably appears in the Penguins of Madagascar‘s ship, something long and hard pokes through, and appears to give Kowalski some oral pleasure. Interestingly, this penguin spits rather than swallows. It helps both parties that he has no teeth.
Also, W the actual F is up with this episode of Pokémon? 10-year-old Misty enters a bikini contest, only to be well and truly shown up in the cleavage department by Team Rocket’s James (that’s the ‘guy’ on the left btw), who wears some sort of incredibly realistic, inflatable boob suit. “Maybe when you’re older, you’ll have a chest like this!” taunts James to the prepubescent child.
Brock, evidently left pretty horny by the events of the bikini contest, then leers menacingly at a nervous Ash. It’s all a bit dark.
Oh, and while we’re running along these lines, remember when Lickitung knocked Jessie out with his ‘powers’? When it comes to girls, he’s got a pretty good technique to catch ’em all.
Pokémon‘s Lickitung isn’t the only fella with a penchant for using his tongue though, as it seems the Powerpuff Girls‘ Mayor of Townsville likes to indulge in a little pussy licking himself.
If only our beloved football head of Hey Arnold fame would’ve give his secret admirer Helga the same sort of pleasure. As Helga manically confesses to her secret diary, “sultry preteen” Arnold makes her “girlhood tremble”. I’m sorry, WHAT??
Why, he could’ve just given her the D, like this guy from Johnny Bravo! The ladies seem to love it!
Some of our favourite cartoon characters don’t need women, though. Ren and Stimpy, who are responsible for one of the weirdest bromances in the animated universe, show that bros can do it for themselves with a little hard-wood action.
I mean, women are okay, but don’t offer nearly as much excitement or intensity.
[Yes, you’re reading it correctly. It does say S and M on Stimpy’s pyjamas].
It seems that these two from Recess were at it, too:
As well as The Angry Beavers, who didn’t need a beaver of another kind to have some same-sex fun.
Not to mention Tom and Jerry. The cat and mouse duo may be sworn enemies, but sometimes that just spices things up in the bedroom! What’s going on here?
Sploosh! Meanwhile, poor Yosemite Sam doesn’t seem all too willing. When duped into prison by Bugs Bunny, the Looney Tunes character had a rather unwelcome surprise waiting for him in his too-close-for-comfort cell. May I remind you at this point that these are TV shows for CHILDREN?!
Heffer from Rocko’s Modern Life was always known to be a little curious about himself, and shows us why with this little wrist action under the sheets. For shame… Then again, what do you expect from a show with a character named Spunky?
Poor Dot from Animaniacs nearly found herself similarly corrupted, but luckily this self-respecting lil cutie knew it was okay not to cave to the peer pressure from her older brother to ‘finger Prince’. So before we go to wash our eyes out from this gallery of gratuitousness, we’ll leave you with this all important lesson in consent:
Thank goodness our kids have no idea what they’re watching in these tantalisingly twisted shows full of inappropriate innuendo. As Helen Lovejoy would say: